Diagnosed.

Last year was rough year for me- but don't let the title scare you. I'm not about to tell you I was diagnosed with a terminal disease or had a scary bought with death. Nothing like that.I was struggling- I could tell somewhere deep inside of me that I wasn't healthy. I didn't want to admit it and I didn't want to face it, but during moments of panic and anxiety and depression I would admit to my husband that I knew that something was wrong... I knew I was damaged and hurting.I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in June I believe. After struggling so long and being scared to death to admit that I thought there was something wrong - I thought I would be devastated at this diagnosis. It was relieving... mind you it was a little scary too, but it was mostly freeing. All those times fearing that I was broken and unfixable - they were not beneficial mind you- but they were not in vain. It was like suddenly I had lost this huge pressure that was against my chest and I could finally take in a deep refreshing, freeing breath.I remember my therapist telling me that I can get better- that I have the power to live a healthier and more balanced life. I could get better.I still have moments where I slip back into my old reactions of anxiety and panic. Here is the problem- it is easier to worry and be anxious. That is where my thoughts automatically want to go... and it is so much easier to just hold on to that. It hurts though- it tears my peace and happiness apart. It eats away at my soul.I am getting better. I am the one in control of how I react- and I realize now that it is poisonous to slip back to easy way. It is not an overnight process and I didn't expect it to be, but all I know is that I look back at this time last year and realize that things have changed. Like I mentioned yesterday- my paradigm has shifted and I feel happier. It has given me a new purpose and a new strength. I found peace of mind... I know what it feels like and I never want to go back now.I felt protective of this process of healing... so I kept it between myself and my husband and my therapist for months. Slowly I have let others know not for the sympathy, but for the fact that I know I'm not alone in this. That feeling broken mentally is not rare- feeling hopeless and depressed and anxious and locked up inside yourself. I just want you to know that you can get better. Life can be happier and healthier. You can feel at peace too.image via deviantart by deadendsoul