To Be Brave
This is pretty much my 'look back on 2015 and look forward to 2016 post.' It didn't turn out exactly the way I pictured it...I desperately need change and reform within myself... and that is scary. I've known I needed it for a while- but I just kept ignoring it and pushing it off. I kept treating the symptoms and ignoring what I know is really going on. I need some hard core cleansing in my life after the year I just had- traditional (physical/body) cleansing and some emotional cleansing.I'm really tired of always taking things in baby steps. This past year I kept telling myself that I would set goals and I would work toward those goals in baby steps- which I think is perfectly sound advice in pretty much all situations. It is not working for me right now... in this particular time in my life.I'm not jumping off the deep end (I think). I'm not convincing myself that I can cold turkey everything immediately forever- but I think I can cold turkey a few things for a month to cleanse the palette. I need to tell myself and prove to myself that I can be straight brave. I'll explain briefly and then in separate posts examine each piece of this individually.Phew. Okay.It was just a few days ago. I was staring at my closet which is still nicely organized (not clean but organized) and feeling completely overwhelmed with life. I had a bag of new clothes on the floor that I didn't have enough hangers or neat, tidy organized space for... plus, on top of that there were a pile of jeans on the floor that felt a little to snug for my comfort (I haven't worn them in a month remember?).There was a weird feeling spreading through my chest- kind of like some sort of anesthesia wearing off and sensation was starting to spread again. Why do I buy sooo much clothes... or just sooo much stuff in general? Why am I at a point that I don't fit into some of my clothes anymore? Why was the weird feeling in my chest... just the simple sensation of feeling scaring the crap out of me?Numbing.I've been numbing myself lately. Numbing myself with food and shopping and Netflix and more food and Facebook and more shopping and etc. Now I know that I can't cleanse everything in that etcetera category from my life- but I think there is something powerful to cleansing out the big ones for a short period to give my heart and soul a rest.I've never admitted to myself or anyone with any real honesty that food and shopping in particular are numbing devices for me. I knew that they were... I just didn't want to admit it. Now it can't be ignored and it can't be left alone. It's like finding a physical lump somewhere and ignoring it... it is cancerous on my heart and soul.It is scary though- cause removing the things that numb means I will have to feel all the feels that I'm numbing. I also know from reading and watching the work of Brené Brown- that the numbing is a universal thing. I can't just numb the scary feels- I numb everything. I hate just feeling... numb. I want joy and peace and comfort and happiness and contentment... and I want those more than I want to escape from doubt and pain and fear and all of that.This can seem like a small demon- one that doesn't get written about when trying to explain the ferocity of the human spirit. I can feel silly writing this a little bit. Who cares what my personal, small, emotional demons are? Who cares that I've been numbing feelings of inadequacy and doubt with food and shopping and netflix binges? I don't know- maybe you do or maybe no one does.But I need to be brave. It matters to me.
I keep thinking about my all time favorite movie- We Bought a Zoo. It speaks volumes to me and it was hard for a little while to put my finger on why. I was never one who dreamed about being a zoo keeper or veterinarian... so it wasn't the animal thing. I mean, occasionally as I watched it I would think- I totally want to own a zoo. Then my cat would vomit up its food because it ate to fast... and I would quickly think 'never mind.'It's the leap-of-faith, never-settling, embracing-the-beauty-of-life attitude that I feel from the movie that speaks to me. I want that attitude... and I need some bravery. I need some courage.So- I'm going to start a 30-day cleanse/detox/fast (whatever you want to call it) of two big things. I know I should not try to take on everything at a time so I'm going to leave Netflix and social media and what-not alone for a little bit.
But first, unhealthy, over-eating-
in fact I'm going to do the Whole30 as a cleanse. Mainly to give my body a reset, partly to figure out what might be giving me random and icky nausea, and lastly to jump start loosing a little weight. I'll keep you updated throughout the process and then after the 30 days are over I'll move on from there.
And second, frivolous shopping-
obviously I will need to shop for groceries and necessities. I will stop shopping (online and offline) for clothes, beauty products (I'll make due without if I run out), and everything else that it isn't necessary. Just as with the other one I'll keep you updated with how I'm doing along the way. :)