Learning. Three Things that Get in the Way.
I love my hubby. We have been married for five years which is awesome. While that doesn't make us experts on the whole marriage thing, it does mean that we have had our issues and our compromises and our successes and our lessons learned. We are a beautiful, messy work in progress. I feel like offering the little that we have learned and hearing what all you have to say about it.One of the main things I personally struggle with as a wife and that we struggle with as a couple... and truth is that we are still working on. We let things get in the way of our relationship and in between us as a couple... whether it be little things like the television or our phones or bigger things like our shame or our pride.You know there are those perfect days when you feel completely and utterly connected on every level. You feel whole as a couple. There of course are those other days... where you don't. Those are the days that I am talking about- when there is just stuff in between the two of you.
1. Taking His Presence for Granted
I remember when my hubby and I were dating and all I wanted was to be with him. His presence was calming and exhilarating all at the same time. I could barely be bothered with eating while I was in his presence, let alone texting someone else. These days though I'm busy with cooking, texting, painting my nails, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and so on to barely even look up when he walks in the door. On top of that, I have a million different things to look at on my computer or my phone while we are watching television together. My hubby feels that... he feels alone when my full attention is directed somewhere.This is hard yet obvious thing that gets in the way- since you get used to seeing him everyday. My hubby is a stable and consistent force in my life... and he is so stable for me that I just take my time with him for granted. I have to intentionally put down my phone and put my computer away. I have to smile and come in for a kiss when he walks in the door every night. He needs to feel how much I love him and appreciate his presence in my life.Challenge 1: Stop what you are doing for just a moment when he walks in the door to give him an excited smile and a kiss.Challenge 2: When you are out to dinner or sitting and watching a favorite television show - put your phone out of reach.
2. Giving Your Pride Power
Pride is a quieter and sneakier problem that works itself in between couples. It can appear in a lot of different ways whether it is refusing to compromise or apologize. Personally for me - my pride will do this really dumb thing. We'll have a little fight and my pride will hold on to any hurts that I have gathered from the fight or any wrongs that he may have done to me. I'll hold onto that pride and shut down... wallowing in those hurts and deciding in my head that he needs to take any extra measures he can to heal my hurts.This isn't about what the fight is about or anything that he may do to hurt my feelings. I know people say this all the time... but it is so so true and the times when I embrace it are the best times. You can't control others... you can only control yourself and how to react. Holding on to my pride and the idea that I won't bend or reach out until he does only puts that pride in-between him and me. I only make myself feel more distant and alone when I refuse to be the one who reconnects.Challenge 1: Remind yourself that you can only control how you react to your spouse... you can't control your spouse. No matter how corny that sounds. Say I'm sorry. Be willing work to reach a compromise. Be the first to break the silence.Challenge 2: Break your pride and hold hands while you fight or when you feel upset. It is a really powerful reminder to me about how much I value being connected to him when I want to pout and sulk and give him the silent treatment.
3. Pulling Away with Your Shame
My hubby is my life pattern and my best friend and for the most part- he knows pretty much everything about me. My perfectionism and shame though will tell me to cover and hide any flaws in my life... but there is no hiding them. They cause problems under the surface and tend to escalate and dominate both your life and your relationship.I personally struggle so much with my self worth... both with my body image and my homemaking skills. Most recently I have let my struggle with my weight and my body image to control my confidence and my physical relationship with my hubby which made him feel as if I wasn't interested in him any more. Not being open about why I shied away from intimate moments with him because of my weight gain snowballed into a huge struggle between us...Challenge 1: If you made a mistake, it might be irritating, but don’t bury it inside you. Be open about it, address it, and move on. Our problems are really our blessings if we use them to grow stronger, both as individuals and as couples.Challenge 2: Remember that you married a flawed and imperfect person... just as imperfect and flawed as you. They see your flaws as features that make you interesting, and they see your problems simply as a sign that you’re human too.Challenge 3: Read Daring Greatly or I Thought It Was Just Me (but It Isn't) by Brené Brown