Money & Budgeting Together.

I don't like to think or talk about money. It makes me uncomfortable and can even trigger some major anxiety. It is something I am working really hard on- hence the reason I am posting about it (lol... I can't tell you how many times I wrote and rewrote the first part of this post... it was really hard for me to start). I have no sad story or history relating to why I have such a hard time with budgeting and talking about money. I mean, I was not raised in a wealthy family- we did just fine though. And sure- I personally really struggled with the idea of all my college loans on top of all of my own expenses when I was in school and living on my own. That is not REALLY the true reason.Not budgeting or planning or thinking about money is easy- its easier for me to just buy whatever I want whenever I want. Budgeting takes discipline and time and effort. It reminds me a little bit of working out and eating healthy- it is so much easier in the moment to just stay on the couch and order a pizza. It is so much easier for me to throw an item into my shopping cart just because I like it. But just like that pizza mixed with that couch... spending with no regard for a budget makes for some pretty hefty issues in the future (yes I am equating fat to massive credit card debt here... hopefully that doesn't bother you).My hubby and I would every once in a while talk about how much we were making and how much we needed for our necessities (shelter and food) and what we could spend on fun stuff (we lump our utilities in with shelter just so we are clear). Initially we didn't really track our spending at all- and there was this constant back and forth of feeling like we had to ask each other if we could buy anything... mixed in with a lot of guilt when we just bought something without asking the other. We realized that wasn't working at all... so we started using Mint (the app) which allowed us to set up a more solid budget and track our receipts via our phones. Honestly that only worked for a bit- because we were still just using our credit card and could just... keep spending no matter what the "budget" said. Hence the feeling of having to ask each other and then the guilt and hiding purchases... which sucked. The stress it would put on my anxiety and on our marriage was unnecessary and ridiculous.Then we bought a house and my husband switched back to we-are-in-debt mode. I might talk more about that later... Quick explanation- my hubby has pretty unique views about debt. He is very smart and very savvy guy- he worked and made it through his own college degree without any debt. When he 'inherited' my college debt- he set up a system and plan that had my debts paid off two years after I had graduated. Our house mortgage is obviously quite a bit larger than my college debt was- so he has set up a little more intense system so that we pay it off efficiently (he stresses that... efficiently I guess is different then just paying it off 'quickly'). I, in response though, started to dread all the more stress that his system would bring in.So it became incredibly important to stick to our budget... so at my hubby's prompting we sat down and discussed way we can stick to our budget. We settled on the idea of the cash budget - which the idea is that you receive your budget in actual cash and you stop using your credit card. My hubby didn't like the idea of either of carrying around actual cash- so we then we decided we would use a debit card and create a pseudo-cash budget. Our allotted spending budget would be moved over to our debit card at the beginning of each month- and we would stop using our credit card.(Honest moment) I told myself that I was on board with budgeting and using the debit card. But honestly - I didn't like the idea of limiting my spending. The word budgeting made me immediately jump to conclusions of never being able to buy a cute dress or pair of shoes or movie or fancy dinner out or... you know- anything. I really really struggled with it for the first month for purely selfish reasons... I missed being able to just buy what I wanted. I had a break down moment of selfishness... and I felt spoiled afterward. Did I really mope over the fact that my fast and our budget kept me from indulging? I did... and that opened my eyes to something huge and difficult that I needed to face in my life- over indulging on myself. The stress on my anxiety and in our marriage was from me and my selfishness.It was from that moment that I started applying myself to the idea of sticking to our budget and letting go to the idea that I needed everything I wanted. How spoiled I am? I don't want to be that anymore. The last week of January was also the last week of my fast... and it was awesome. Suddenly there was no more feeling like I had to have my hubby approve my purchases... no more guilt over purchases I didn't ask him about... no more hiding purchases. I could still purchase shoes and clothes and go out to movies and eat at restaurants- just as long as it fit in the budget. No more guilt. And no more extra stress. Just like you can eat pizza every once in a while and there is nothing wrong with sitting on the couch to watch a little TV- but you have to do it all with moderation. :)I can honestly tell you that I am liking this little debit card in my pocket now- and I am doing a lot better with it (am I perfect? obviously no... but thrilled to be letting go of money as a controlling factor in my life). PLUS... there is no more looming credit card debt. And PLUS PLUS... it is just one less stress in our marriage. :DOOOH that was a long one! Thanks for sticking with me! :Dphoto (of my hubby and me) via mr switch photography