I have been married for four years today! Happy anniversary to the most amazing man ever! :D
And btw I do in fact just mean that to be overly dramatic with my title… but I do believe the ideas of marriage I had in my head as a girl were ridiculous. Bare with me as I try to articulate something that I have been thinking about for a couple months now.
I wasn’t a confidant gal when it came to my appearance by the time I had reached ‘boy crazy’ faze. The world around me told me stories about the magic of love and how it conquers all things. So I determined that all I wanted (and needed) was someone who loved me and thought I was beautiful. I think I had a thought that whoever this man’s love and admiration of my beauty (that seems weird to write) would fix my poor self esteem.
So I spent a lot of time thinking about my future man. I thought he would be my everything and make me feel whole. I knew life would be so perfect with him that I would be content and happy… And a lot of the girls around me seemed to have the exact thoughts.
I noticed it more when I was among all of my friends during summer camp (yes- a Christian camp). Maybe it’s because the church holds marriage in such high esteem (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing) and sex outside of marriage is not (and I’m not saying against abstinence)… so in my circle of Christian girlfriends (who loved romance just like every other girl) the end-all-be-all of romance for us was marriage.
One girl at camp girl even told me once how she had everything planned out and she would be married and happy by the time she was eighteen… she just needed to meet the right guy.
Honestly- I never had any actual plans about marriage like that specifically. I really didn’t think I would find someone like that- I thought it would take me a long while to find a guy. My struggle with self confidence issues left me pretty down on my chances for love and marriage.
While I thought I wouldn’t find a husband for a while – I still had this weird idea in my head though that my loving husband could fix me- he would make feel beautiful and confidant all the time. I don’t think that is abnormal either. Heavens- think about the Twilight books.
Bella can’t live without Edward… and after they get married and have their child Bella literally turns into the picture of physical beauty… on top of that she becomes the most powerful on the playing field. Edward literally turns Bella into her perfect self.
Now lets be clear- I LOVE and adore my husband. He is encouraging and supportive and truly does bring out the best in me. But my husband can’t fix my self-esteem issues- he can’t magically make me see what he sees when he looks at me. He can tell me how beautiful he thinks I am all the time (which he does) and I will still struggle to see it.
Marriage isn’t a magic event (you know… like a vampire bite or something) that wipes away your self doubts and fears and insecurities. Marriage isn’t about you and fixing your self esteem. Marriage is amazing and hard. Married is fantastic and frustrating. Marriage is a promise to be there for another imperfect human (just like you). Marriage is about putting the person you love ahead of yourself.
What I’m really trying to tell you- is that marriage won’t fix you. Marriage doesn’t suddenly make your world perfect and wonderful. It is a beautiful thing but it is not a going to change who you are. It will change your life and give you someone who you get to wake up next to and walk through life with- but it can’t change your thoughts and perspective and self esteem.
Only you can do that… which is an empowering fact. You don’t need a husband to be happy and content- you need YOU.
That being said- I love you handsome hubby! Thank you for being my husband and putting up with me. ;) I know I am a self conscious mess most of the time and you put up me. Thank you putting up with me these past four years and encouraging me as I have started to face my struggles with anxiety and self-confidence. :D